i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
bring money and cleavage
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
