is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
