he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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