: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
