He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
