There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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