the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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