u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
