You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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