My nipple is on Facebook.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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