if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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