She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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