"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I wish I could teleport
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
