Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
our cab driver is having phone sex.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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