hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
