drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
