Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
