I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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