Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
