He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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