i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
