I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
