theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
