he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
