I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
