He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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