he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
