Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
