We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
