If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
