the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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