I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
