Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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