he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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