I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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