We're like a lot better than the average bears
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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