ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
