He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
