My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
