two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
