there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
