fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
