You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
