2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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