I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm getting married
To pizza
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
