walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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