even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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