I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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