come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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