Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
