She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
