just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
