the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
